


The Kid's aren't Alright

by allegedly_jessus



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: I just love him so much, M/M, and he just loves ian so much, and the episode killed me so here we are, its a bit short but its like five am, maybe a bit ooc but idk its how i think he thinks, my first fic lol, tbh its just my account of mickey's feeling and shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-16
Updated: 2015-02-16
Packaged: 2018-03-13 05:29:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3369581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allegedly_jessus/pseuds/allegedly_jessus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He never truly realised how much it could cloud his judgement, being in love with Ian. It took so long for him to finally see what was right in front of him and it was too late. Too fucking late. Ian was gone, and he'd taken Mickey's baby. He could've gone anywhere, done anything. He could hurt Yev. He could hurt himself. And it was all Mickey's fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Kid's aren't Alright

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so after watching 5x06 and rocking back and forth for an hour and a half i decided to write about how I think Mickey feels towards Ian because apparently I figured that it would be a fun thing to do at five am. This is the shitshow that came out of it. Please let me know what you think because i've never really posted any fanfition before and there is a high change that im fucking awful, and i'd like to know before i embarrass myself further. Thanks and bye.

For Mickey, losing Ian was the scariest possible thing that could ever happen. Ian held hope. Ian held Mickey's future. He'd come so far and only because of Ian, who was there for him always. Persistent though he was, he also knew when to leave Mickey, let him get into the head space where he could work out that he never wanted to live a life without Ian by his side. Mickey had never known how to love, not really. He'd been shoved into dog eat dog world with sharpened teeth and an aptitude for misbehaving. He knew how to fight, but he also knew how to take a beating. What he was not prepared for, however, was love, and definitely not with a man. Because when he first met Ian, he was a good lay, a dirty little secret which not only thrilled him, but scared the shit out of him. Yet, he caved. As soon as he gave the gun back, the game was won. Ian Gallagher had taken something from Mickey Milkovich that he could never take back. So, Mickey backed off. Never let himself get too close. It was irrelevant what he wanted, truly, deeply, crazily, hungrily, irrefutably wanted, because he couldn't get that close. Yet, Ian Gallagher chipped away at his defence like a spoon on the cell wall. He knew exactly what to say to Mickey to make him cave, exactly which buttons to press and which strings to pull to get Mickey falling to his knees and begging for mercy.  
Because Mickey Milkovich did not know how to handle being in love with Ian Gallagher. It was unfathomable, how some freckled, ginger kid come crashing into Mickey's life, making it more hectic than he'd ever deemed possible. And yet, he loved it. He loved every second that he spent with the boy he was never allowed to love, never supposed to love.  
The day that Mickey came out was easy. Much easier than he'd expected it to be. He thought he'd choke and crack, take years to get the words out, then he'd be forced to take it back, beaten and humiliated until he flung himself back into the closet that he'd been inching his way out of, the second he met Ian. In the end, it was simple. Nothing more than  
"I'm fucking gay." It was a game after that. Who would crack first? It didn't matter though, not really, because now he had Ian and he knew that there was no taking that away. After years of losing at this game, he'd finally found a way in which the rules could work in his favour. He could have the person that he loved with no strings attached.  
But nothing was ever simple for Mickey Milkovich and when Ian got sick his world began to crash. He showed that vulnerability once and only once. He was going to look after Ian Gallagher and he was going to get him better if it was the last thing he ever did because he had finally been given the chance to love, openly and honestly, and there was no way that was going to be ripped from beneath him. Not ever.  
When Ian became stable Mickey was naive. He wanted so badly to believe it was over. And Ian, the one person who he would believe at all times, well, he said he was okay. He told Mickey that no one what they were talking about. He was fine. And Mickey still had that voice in the back of his head but there was only one thing he wanted from there. And that was for Ian to be happy. So he listened, he wanted what was best for Ian and only he knew that. So he gave Ian what he wanted. An attempt to protect him where he could still keep an eye on him. And Mickey fell a little deeper.  
He never truly realised how much it could cloud his judgement, being in love with Ian. It took so long for him to finally see what was right in front of him and it was too late. Too fucking late. Ian was gone, and he'd taken Mickey's baby. He could've gone anywhere, done anything. He could hurt Yev. He could hurt himself. And it was all Mickey's fault. Because he never fucking listened. Because he was too fucking stubborn to see what was happening. Because he was a selfish bastard who always decided that he knew better. And now there were people in danger. People who had become so ingrained into his life there were permanent scars. Scars which he was now so proud to show off. 'I fought here. I lay there. I did whatever the fuck I could and I made a family out of it.' Yet, without that family by his side, those scars would become ugly, brutal, of a lost war, not a triumph.  
It was in those moments when he realised that he truly loved Ian Gallagher. He loved the awkward looks and the stupid jokes. He loved the play fighting in an alley and fighting over Segal and Van Damme. He loved the beautiful mess they'd created together. The maze of emotions and stories that was made just for them. But without Ian, the maze became a place of horrors. Of fear and guilt and 'what ifs'.  
When the police called Mickey shook. Inside and out. He shook all the way to the police station. He even shared the guilt that was eating away at him. He shared it with Lip Gallagher. Because he knew, the smug bastard that he was, that Lip would agree with him, validate his guilt. Told him exactly what he already knew yet refused to do because he was a stupid fucking idiot.  
Then, when they finally got to see Ian again. The world simultaneously crashed and rebuilt itself around him. He waited as long as he could. A hug from Lip. A hug from Debbie. Until eventually it was his turn. Because Ian was not hurt. Not on the outside, but inside, his thoughts were scrambled and broken and Mickey was responsible. And he had to take responsibility, to put Ian in a place that could do better for him that he could, where they knew what they were talking about, where they could fix Ian so he could get home as soon as possible, back with Mickey where he belonged. For now, he was essentially useless. So he did what he felt natural. What was right for him. Putting his hand on Ian's face, feeling his warms skin before darting forward, rubbing his own cheek against Ian's. He just needed to be close to him. Just for a while. There was no response. No move to hug him back or to press him closer. And it had killed Mickey.  
On the way back to Chicago, he let Ian sleep on him. Clinging to the idea that maybe, just maybe, Ian didn't blame him for this, that there was a sliver of hope that Ian still loved Mickey, even a little.  
Then they drove Ian to the hospital and Mickey broke. He crashed inside his own head because this should have happened months ago. Ian would be better and this never would have happened. When Ian looked back at Mickey before signing himself in, he felt himself nod. Working on auto pilot. This was what's best for Ian. For his Ian, who he should've taken better care of. In his head. He was jumping towards Ian, ripping the pen out of his hand and tearing it away from that dotted line where he would try harder to keep Ian safe. He would do better this time. But he knew, those were just fantasies, and he was not what was best for Ian at that time, he needed help from people who really knew what they were talking about. That was what Ian needed. What he deserved.  
When Ian was called in, he walked straight past Mickey, a look of guilt and sorrow in his eyes, a look of shame. But Ian was not responsible for this mess he was in, not really. He was sick and he needed help. And Mickey needed him to know that. Needed him to know that he was worthy of loved and of help. That Mickey would still be there when he came out the other end. And Mickey became vulnerable again, because he was scared. Because he knew that no matter how scared he was, it was so much worse for Ian. Because there was nothing he could do to take that fear away from Ian. So he just held him. As tight as he possibly could. And this time, Ian responded. He buried himself closer into Mickey, sharing that fear and that vulnerability. Neither of them wanted to let go. Not yet.  
"Can I go in with him?" Were words spoken with fear and with love. Because he didn't want Ian to do this alone. He wanted to take all of this away from Ian, because if he could be the one dealing with this, he would. And he would not let go of Ian Gallagher. Not until he was dragged away kicking and screaming. Until they locked him in there too. Or at least that's what he wanted. But he'd been clouded by the selfishness of love before, so he let his Ian go. With a kiss on the shoulder. That was all he could give. And though that wasn't enough for either of them, not really, he knew it wasn't the end. Because he would be there waiting for Ian on the other side. Nothing would stand in his way. When Ian was happy and healthy and ready to come home, Mickey would be around to take him there. There was no ending for them, not really. And as Ian walked away, the spring in his step lost, he knew that he would bound straight back out of that hospital when it was over. And as long as Ian wanted him there, Mickey would be waiting on the other side. No more fuck ups. No more selfishness. Ian would be better and Mickey will fucking well be around to see it.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so i hope you liked it if not, that's cool and i understand.   
> if you wanna see more of my inarticulate ramblings, my twitter and tumblr are both @fxckmilkovich


End file.
